Stress: does not this word itself look annoying? Needless to say, stress is one of the serious reasons of all kinds of illness. Most of human beings in our society are suffering from mental illness: stress. In the bookstore, there are so many guide books to manage the causes of stress effectively. Then, what make stress builds up in human mind? In these days, there is no exaggeration that most stress may be caused by relationships with people, financial problem and anxiety about the future.
First of all, stress from human relations would be the major cause of stress in modern society. Besides, this kind of stress is not just limited to office workers, because all people are forced to endure and suppress their irritation and anger against their bosses, families and colleagues. However, this endurance may be the serious reason of great moral pressure. So, if someone cannot express his own emotion and is unconditionally required to suppress his anger to another, he would be suffering from a huge amount of stress.
Secondly, another major reason of our mental illness is "money". Although we do not have to worry about the absolute scarcity of food, we are forced to worry about our current financial situation by ceaselessly comparing with others. Of course, there is still absolute poor who are suffering from lack of basic requisites of human life. However, most people are obsessed by jealousy on relative poverty, which can be also transformed to stress.
Lastly, stress may be caused by uncertainty on one's future. According to mass media, we can easily encounter the news which illustrates that so many people are committing suicide because they were pessimistic about their current situation or worrying about their uncertain future. Of course, this extreme result of stress is not just limited to patients' stories suffering from self-depreciation or serious depression. Many high school students have got stress from their university examinations, most college students have suffered from great pressure of their future jobs, and even employees who had already got their jobs have shaken with deep anxiety on their promotion or future careers, and so on. So, we can find the negative link between anxiety and stress.
To sum up, the causes of stress can be summarized in three main reasons: irritation from human relations, money and anxiety on future. It is pity that we need to live by overcoming stress forever. However, as someone said that the peace lives in our mind. We have an ability to control our psychological anxiety no matter what kind of stress torture us, because everything is inside of us.
I enjoyed your writing!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I like your hook sentence. In the introduction I think it's better to remove the fourth sentence which begins with 'In the bookstore~' and some 'stress' which are repeated many times. I like the phrase 'builds up in human mind' and the word 'exaggeration.' I think they are effective words.
In the second body paragraph, I saw the last sentence interesting. And in the third body paragraph, I think you should separate the sentence 'Many high school students ~ and so on.' into two or three sentences because it's too long. In the conclusion, I think it's better to connect the second last sentence and the last sentence with a comma.
I see you used some sophisticated and academic words through the writing such as 'absulute', 'ceaselessly', 'requisites', and 'self-depreciation.' I learned them and found them attractive. Also, I think your writing is well organized with clear points.
Seunghyun Lee
ReplyDeleteI was really surprised about your vocabularies like 'unconditionally', 'ceaselessly', self-depreciation', 'psychological anxiety'. It's amazing that you can use these words without dictionary(and we only assigned 60 minutes!!). I envy you!
Nice hook, thesis statements. The paragraphs are also well-organized.
However "there is no exaggeration that" is quite unclear to me.
Lastly, how about change 'First, second, lastly' into other words?
I think there are better words to substitute those.
Overall your essay is great. I really enjoy reading yours.