I never heard about the word stress when I was young. However, I totally understood the meaning of stress. I'm experiencing it these days. The cause of stress came from three factors: requirement of society, money, people.
The most important factor that makes stress is social requirements. Becoming a functional member of this society gets harder. It requires us more and more. My father told that he got a job only with his college diploma. No other things were needed in 1980's. When we find job today, we must be good at English, have high GPA in college. I think this give us the greatest amount of stress.
Monetary problem is another factor of getting stress. Money is not the best thing in life, but it is good. Especially when we buy things like foods, clothes which are essential for our living, we definitely need it. Making money is easy to waste compare to making it. So we always pay attention to our bank accounts. Low deposit is stressful.
Lastly, we got stress from Human relations. People are all different. We need lots of strategies to get along with many friends, co-workers. When we use wrong one to a person, our relationship can easily be in trouble. It can be really stressful when trouble in relation with co-workers, especially the boss.
In short, social requirements, monetary problem, relationship with people are the main reasons of stress. We all know that stress is inevitable in present. So we had better find way to reduce it not to avoid it.
First of all, I want to say that I totally agreed when you said "Low deposit is stressful"!! It was funny because I could totally agree with that situation.
ReplyDeleteYour writing was very relevant to the topic.
Also, there was nothing to point out in coherence part. Overall the logic in your writing flows very smooth!
If I could point out some trivial grammatical errors, first, when you said "The cause of stress came from three factors: requirement of society, money, people," it would be better to put in "and" before "people".
Second, I think it would be better to change "Making money is easy to waste compare to making it." to "Money is easier to waste than to make."
Lastly, actually I didn't get what you meant when you wrote "When we use wrong one to a person, our relationship can easily be in trouble." Maybe it would be better if you could reorganize this sentence.
I will be very delighted if my comments can be useful for your second draft! Although I picked out some grammar errors based on the criteria of IELTs, as the professor suggested, I think your writing is really enjoyable!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to include some background information on what stress is or the effect of it in the 1st paragraph, with which you can make your writing better.
And the 3rd paragraph, it seems to me that it's pretty weak. You should intensify your opinion by adding more ideas about money problem that can happen to our lives.
In the 4th paragraph ,'When we use wrong one to a person' I think you meant 'when use a wrong strategy' right? so you need to change the 'wrong one' into 'a wrong one'. there are more grammatical problems but I won't mention those here.
In the conclusion part, the expression 'had better' sounds a bit warning, since it implies an alarming meaning. So I suggest you replace the word with another one.
thx!
2nd draft
ReplyDeleteI never heard about the word stress when I was young. However, I totally understood the meaning of stress. I'm experiencing it these days. The cause of stress came from three main factors: requirement of society, money and people.
The most important factor that makes stress is social requirements. Becoming a functional member of this society gets harder. It requires us more and more. My father told that he got a job only with his college diploma. No other things were needed in 1980's. When we find job today, we must be good at English, have high GPA in college. I think this give us the greatest amount of stress.
Monetary problem is another factor of getting stress. Money is not the best thing in life, but it is good. Especially when we buy things like foods, clothes which are essential for our living, we definitely need it. Making money is easy to waste compare to making it. So we always pay attention to our bank accounts. Low deposit is stressful.
Lastly, we got stress from Human relations. People are all different. We need lots of strategies to get along with many friends, co-workers. When we use a wrong one to a person, our relationship can easily be in trouble. It can be really stressful when trouble in relation with co-workers, especially the boss.
In short, social requirements, monetary problem, relationship with people are the main reasons of stress. We all know that stress is inevitable in present. So we should find way to reduce it not to avoid it.